How to Empress Your Eviction! š
If you can't have a peaceful Solstice, at least have an absurd, stoic one!
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Have you ever hit send too soon and realized thereās another choice you could have made? If this isnāt an analogy for midlife, Iām not sure what isā¦
A revised, revised updateā¦
Cosplaying Marie Antoinette in oneās living room is SO not recommended.
Speech may be a no-go due to scarring and arthritisāso face-ritis?
Even the slightest attempt at a yawn is like being struck by lightningā¦ in the neck.
For now, my attempts at ASL are equal parts clown-y mixed with sweary.
But itās interestingā¦ As I chip away at my next book, Ellery Allbright Goes Dark, odd moments keep organically coming up due to my new muteness. Like all these short scenes with Elleryās adult daughters:
āDon't you like her better this way?ā
āWhat? You mean mute? Oh, completely.ā
āDid you know mom's learning ASL? She has to adopt her own personal name sign.ā
āOoh, we should teach her something ridiculous like, āHi, I'm Queen Elizabeth, I munch swans!' or 'Hello, Joseph Stalin. Nice to meet you!āā
āPlease, Stalin, though a murderous fascist, was hot. Right now, Momās got the table manners of Ridley Scottās āAlienā, letās just go with that.ā
āFineā¦ā Deep sigh. āSucks ass about Stalin.ā
āItās always the ones that smolder.ā
How is it that a total fascist killer looks so much like a comp-lit grad student? And how is it that I have so much capacity for drool? Alasā¦
For the full story of what originally happened, itās here.
In the meantime, on the eve of this winter solstice, Katherine May, author of the bestselling book, Wintering, had me reflecting on the etymology of the word āsolsticeāĀ which stems from the Latin sol stitāmeaning āin the unnerving depths of winterās dark, the sun stands still.ā
This, May suggests, is an opportunity to restore our connection to the pause in the year, and to learn to embark on the journey it offers to us. And I could give a whole disquisition on how this relates to menopause, but insteadā¦
I would so welcome some 'sol sitā right about now.
Because tonight, I certainly got the learning/journey bit!
Just as I was mustering the will to wrestle the duvet cover back on the comforter, the buzzer rang. The Tech Bros were back! Technically, only one this time, but he came with hundreds of pages of court documents. He insisted on taping them to the door and photographing everythingā¦ including me. And I looked like a Muppet extra from Sesame Street!
But, thatās not the point. Itās five days before Christmas and I just need to sit solstice still and heal. I mean yes, the surgeon did a great job. Seriously, I thought I was going to look like a pirate for the rest of my days and I was already running out of Our Flag Means Death jokes.
He asked me if I accepted service and I shrugged because thatās ALL I can literally do!
But what do you do in these moments? Where panic does NOT serve you, where only knowing the law might? Be the hummingbird. Fly backwards. Iāve made a partial payment and qualified for a grant to cover rest going forward until Iām recoveredābut it wonāt come through until January and thereās still so much aggression in the above action. The GoFundMe to stop them is still available here. Meanwhile, two books Iām going to be rereading in the interim are Money and Love by Myra Strober and
:And the bestseller by
Recently recommended by
Again, I feel like we all need these books, but particularly for midlife womenāso that ārestā can be more than just a myth. Still, I hope you all find some during this solstice and this holiday season. Merry, merry.
Yours in Grandeur & Deep Sh*t,
p.s. If you are so inclined, follow us on IG for flash content & upcoming giveaways. Weāre at https://www.instagram.com/the.empress.age/ and weād love to see you there!
I'm hoping for a snarky book about the Tech pros but in the meantime, the courts are on your side, sis! Can we name these dudes and out them?
Guys, apologies for all the multiple edits and reposts... I had to reset my whole Substack admin sitch because of a tech glitch... but here's to tech bros everywhere! Honestly, I'm thinking of rewriting a Christmas song specifically for them and enlisting a midlife women's choir to go nonstop caroling outside of all of their mansions, just for grins. Taking requests... š