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Fellow Empresses,
How the hell are you?
So, one of the cruelest jokes of all is to find oneself perimenopausal in Paris, the city of lights and love and romance. Yet there I was... all dressed up, so to speak, with absolutely no libido to go.Ā
On paper, at least, the situation couldn't have been any more perfect. My partner and I were working in France for the year with an amazing apartment not far from the Eiffel Tower within walking distance to both of our offices, and the kids were happily ensconced in a French American school having a total adventure.Ā
ItĀ shouldĀ have been like a second honeymoon except my hormones were in complete rebellion. No, scratch that. They were all but MIA.
I'd read about how women going through perimenopause often experienced diminished libido, but I'd never expected it in my case. I actually still liked my partner and found him super attractive. We had often joked about my ādirty 30sā because things had remained quite frequent and fun in that department, but now that I was in my 40s, everything had shifted, and not in a good way.Ā
It's not that I was overly busy work-wise or with the kids ā I mean, IĀ was, like most moms ā but there was just a profound indifference, a kind of void of feeling about the whole thing, a big āmeh...ā when it came to sex.Ā
I donāt want to say I was dead inside, but I'd honestly rather read or sleep or watch a true crime documentary than have sex. It had absolutely nothing to do with him. It wasĀ allĀ me.Ā
It was like something had turned off a switch down there.Ā It also probably didn't help that he was trying so hard. And I was feeling so anxious about trying to get up my lady boner.Ā
There was this one night when I came home where he'd gone all out. The entire apartment was aglow with candles and everywhere you looked were roses. He'd managed to get childcare and he'd even cooked. Heās more of a griller but does OK when he follows a recipe exactly to the letter. He stood there, so hopeful, with flutes of champagne, beaming with pride and all I could think of... was the 1977 songĀ I Want You to Want Me byĀ the bandĀ Cheap TrickĀ ā except in my head, I'd rewritten the lyrics as āI WANT ME to want YOU... I NEED ME to need YOU, I'd LOVE ME to love to have sex with you right now, but Iām JUST NOT that interested and Iām really sorryā¦āĀ
And what should have been a gloriously romantic evening in the vein ofĀ Emily in ParisĀ turned into something more akin to an episode ofĀ The Odd CoupleĀ with me most definitely in the role of Oscar Madison (minus the cigar).
We laughed about it when I did my impromptu karaoke rewrite ofĀ Cheap TrickĀ for him there in the living room, but needless to say, the night was a bust, nookie-wise.Ā
I had to figure something out. I emailed my OB/GYN, but she said this was just part of menopause and that I might need to get creative in other ways or seek the help of a sex therapist.Ā
I wasn't sure I was ready to go down that path just yet. Iād read a bunch ofĀ Sex with EmilyĀ columns and it just seemed like the issue was more physiological than psychological. [cut:Ā There had to be some sort of stimulating lubricants or products out there to help perimenopausal women in this predicament ā products that were non-irritating and safe for delicate, already-thinning tissues in that area.]
I started doing some research. It turns out there are all kinds of lubes with hot cinnamon and rose oil that sounded positively painful and like a UTI in a bottle, but that's when I stumbled on an article last year aboutĀ half the world having a clitoris and why doctors werenāt actually studying itĀ and that led me to a whole series ofĀ otherĀ articles about a sildenafil-based cream that's essentially the same ingredient used in Viagra for men, but when used as a topical cream for women causes far fewer side effects and well... makes you feel like getting it on and itāsĀ FDA-approved.
I decided to give it a go and triedĀ Blossom. I applied a few drops of the unscented, tasteless, hypoallergenic cream to the area in question, we started to fool around and I want to say... within 20 minutes, I definitely felt things ignite down there. But hereās the thing, stimulating things clitorally actually had this parallel effect on me mentally at the moment because I became so much less anxious aboutĀ wantingĀ to wantĀ sex ā if that makes sense?
Ā My partner could not have been more surprised (and delighted). But, more importantly for me, there was an increase in overall sensation due to blood flow because Blossom is a vasodilator and I had much more lubrication, so I not only enjoyed sex again but without turning this into a gratuitous E.L. James novel or some Parisian erotic thriller, it was probably the best fucking we have managed in years.Ā Hereās the G-rated version of things COMPLETE with dancing!!! š
Without mincing words, my lady boner lasted about 45 minutes, which was honestly enough for me ā none of the scary four-hour erection nightmares.Ā And the best part was... weĀ continued to have great sex as a resultābecause not only did it getĀ meĀ out of my funk, but it also gotĀ usĀ back into a rhythm. Plus, if Iām ever feeling like my systemās off-kilter, because of all the ups and downs of perimenopause, at leastĀ nowĀ I know I have options.Ā Iām just still laughing about the night he tried so hard to woo me. Evidently, roses werenāt the blossoms I needed. Lesson most happily learned.
OK, thatās the skinny this week on the latest advancements in doing it or ratherā¦ wanting to do it, lol. I cannot believe it took scientists so long to figure this out, but Iām glad they did. Huzzah!
Again, we will have more EMPRESS goodness on sexual well-being. You wonāt want to miss it as the next one involves so much public indignityā¦ even Iām still laughing. Until then, rememberā¦ you are wise AF!
Yours in Grandeur,
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Awesome news. Thx for sharing. Youāre a courageous mama. Post hysterectomy or any forced menopause does another kind of number to the vag and docs donāt inform their patients ahead of time.
And for the postmenopausal, lubrication is key.... just sayin'. š Great article, you are brave to share your story! I'm glad you found the right blossom.