The Empress Mid-Holiday Update: Does this beard make me look jolly? 😂🎄
It disguises a number of sins—namely that I have the table manners of a medieval king
The Empress is a newsletter for curious midlife women 🗞. If you love it, why not consider supporting it? For less than a coffee a week, you’ll gain access to all of our articles, our book club, journaling prompts, VIP coaching, and live events. From now until the end of the year, we are offering 30% off all subscription plans for up to one year. Now, more than ever, we could use your support.
There’s a version of this post on gotham girl, so apologies for any redundancy.
Fellow Empresses, How the hell are you? Still, merry and bright?
This past week was a doozy. I spent most of it with doctor-and-lawyer-types. And while Mercury continues to be in crazy retrograde, the good news is… I got to stay in my apartment for Christmas and we had court yesterday. That I still couldn't speak or stand for more than 20 minutes at a time doesn’t seem to have registered with folks but…
At this point, if I died in the courthouse parking lot, I’m pretty sure they’d just roll their eyes and say, “Honestly, that girl… She’d do anything for attention.”
The one hope I DO have with this situation is that if I could just raise $1,000 by the end of the week, I’d be able to get their attorneys to dismiss the case; I could go back to my post-ops appointments, and finish the edits to our series about midlife women—now that the strike is through and keep the drama where it belongs… on the page.
I DO love how much our EP has nudged me to push the punchlines further, sharper, funnier, but still lighter. It’s been such a gift. I want to spend my time on this because this is what will make jobs for a full team of writers, artists, and production folks… not me sitting in court. Sigh.
OK, now onto the doofuses, I want to make it quick because there are too many marvels this week…
Doofus(es) of the Week
Now, for our regularly scheduled programming!
Doofus #1: Congress. This Congress is f*cking furniture. Not even good furniture. 100,000 times worse than IKEA furniture—think subpar, with missing parts, stripped screws, and warped particle board components.
The House usually passes 391 bills a year.
This year, the MAGA House passed a grand total of 27.
Particle board is more productive.
Doofus #2: Mercury in Retrograde. I CURSE YOU. I know you’re a planet, but I’m setting Teodora and the dogs on you.
Every technological requirement, every word written, and every interpersonal communication nuance-y thing that could go wrong has run utterly afoul. Because of you Mercury, my GoFundMe is now being completely spammed by kookadoos with extremely bad grammar who want to HELP me in ways that feel so highly questionable. Fortunately, it’s figured out for the moment, but gaaaagh!!! You are the one planet of astrological and cultural imaginary hell, and there has got to be a way to solve your stinking chaos.
Doofus runner-up: This one is more of a disappointment. Glitter. I recently found out via Jessica DeFino’s incredible Stack The Unpublishable that glitter, one of our favorite crafting accouterments, is a microplastic. Even eyeshadow, which I don’t wear—mostly out of laziness—but also because it’s not exactly recommended after they’ve just cross-stitched your head back on. But still, I had no idea.
I’d always thought of glitter as an annoying micro-metal that clogs your Dyson for ten years. And it’s such a bummer. If ever there was a time when we needed a little sparkle, it’s now dammit.
But, let’s get to the good stuff…
That’s Marvelous!
Everything about this… but especially Rosamund Pike.
Everything about this film is sumptuous and grotesque and Byronic and diabolical, with glorious nods to Ken Russell’s The Lair of the White Worm, a twisted take on The Royal Tenenbaums, and old UK staples like Brian True May’s Midsomer Murders. Everyone in it is stellar, but oh, Rosamund is the very definition of drole.
Beyond Marvelous: The Most boygenius Genius Cover Ever
So, there’s this new study out that crying at least once a week is super healthy. I think I must be the healthiest person alive. Forgive me for fanboygeniusing out here.
The Marvelously funny: Jess Pan
Sorry I'm Late - I was in snowy Finland trying not to get a UTI
But in particular, her description of her fellow bookseller and his one book…
“When Walter isn’t working in the bookshop, he’s a part-time doctor at an STD clinic. During slow days at the bookshop, he reads the Oxford Handbook of Genitourinary Medicine, HIV, and Sexual Health. For some reason, this book gets lost in the shop often – last month, Walter was looking for it for ages and we found it in the history section. I like the idea of a customer finding it on a table and putting it away for us.
Walter recently lost the book again and had to send a group text asking us all to keep an eye out on it, this traveling book of STDs, the most promiscuous book on our shelves.”
Maybe it’s the new drugs, but I find this titteringly hysterical.
Finally, Merry Christmas… A la Joni
I thought this came via A Sassy Little Substack but after much Nancy Drew guesswork and a confession, lol, it came from Life (un)Learned. I think it’s crazy-wonderful how she plays half-done songs that “still need a verse.”
Yours in Grandeur & Deep Sh*t,
p.s. If you are so inclined, follow us on IG for flash content & upcoming giveaways. We’re @the.empress.age and we’d love to see you there!