Welcome to The Empress
Obsessively curating a less hellish peri/menopause one product at a time because who says midlife can’t be the start of your best life?
Fellow Empresses,
Welcome to menopause… you’ve probably been told by a number of ill-informed people that you just need to suck it up. Well, we’re here to tell you… that you DON’T.
In fact, we believe we need to CELEBRATE this rite of passage in our lives. If anything, we're wiser, stronger, funnier, and more resourceful than ever at this stage of the game. That's why we're rebranding things... Welcome to The Empress Age 👑. Did you know that by 2025, over one billion people will be in menopause? That’s a whole lotta dry va-jay-jays. And too many women are having their careers, lives, and sleep hijacked by the so-called taboo of menopause, which is why we're obsessively curating and rebranding a better experience one product at a time.
It seems the patriarchy has sussed out that there should be only three phases to a woman’s life: the maiden, the mother, and the crone. Well, here at The Empress, we soundly reject that. We propose that between the mother and the crone phases, there is an Empress Age and that navigating that vast and varied messy middle is where a woman’s greatest divine feminine power and wisdom, is strongest. I know it all sounds a little woo-woo. But the goal here is to unlock the power of women’s wisdom at midlife to live your best life. So, with that, Huzzah!
Now, you may think… I am nowhere near the age that I need to start thinking about this. If you are 37-38-ish, you would be mistaken. The Empress Age is a journey—one that can go on for 12-13 years because our hormones are very much like a fountain pen, my darlings; they’re highly individualized, they scroll along smoothly, then they skip, sputter, and BLOT.
So we’re going to start simple… because while everybody is always worried about what aging through perimenopause and menopause is going to look like, they forget what it’s going to feel like. So, we’re obsessively curating the products and life hacks that we’ve tried and tested, which have made a difference in the most basic ways like:
The best pajamas for night sweats
What the hell to do with sudden Einstein hairs in all the wrong places
Things only French ladies know about getting older—they REALLY know stuff
Exercise options that actually don’t feel like suffering
What to drink when alcohol suddenly turns you into Liz Taylor from Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
The flawless CC cream with 50 SPF that will leave you feeling positively glowy
The fact that your deodorant no longer works—and what to use
Tried and true SLEEP strategies
Erotic intelligence solutions—you’re now in MI Sex
The extraordinary magic of actually getting your HRT right
A true TikTok Therapy Goddess you can turn to in a pinch
Deeper—seriously historical study—for getting down with your sage goddess
Different insurance you might need because women are 80% more likely to spend retirement in poverty—simply because we live longer, but also pay inequity
A mindlessly wonderful activity for when you’re in a capital M MOOD… and need to simply bleep the heck off…
That’s what this bite-sized blog is for… because we also know you have no time and are sincerely trying to stop doom scrolling and we would rather have you out living your best life with actual LIVE humans, sipping French Bloom, leaping through sunny fields of lavender in tight white pants, like the now-liberated Tampax lady you were always meant to be.
So, stay tuned for the first tidbit, learn from those who’ve cracked the code, and know that we’re here for you.
Yours in Grandeur,
*As an Amazon Associate, The Empress may earn from certain purchases, at no cost to you.