Celebrating Your Empress Age

We celebrate everything else... Even Apple would throw a dazzling launch event for this type of all-systems update. Why not throw in some quality gifting & debauch?

Fellow Empresses,

How the hell are you?

This week, we bring you a fun one—also available on Scary Mommy.

Welcome to peri/menopause. Let’s not mince words here: it sucks. So why not kick things off with a little celebration? A bit of merriment, a few storied rituals, and some quality gifting. After all, we celebrate weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, and funerals with all kinds of elaborate festivities. Hell, we even celebrate Arbor Day. In mythology, women's lives have been marked by all kinds of goddess rites and initiations. You are about to undergo an all-systems transformation—technically a massive software update. Even Apple and Steve Jobs would throw you a dazzling launch event. So why not throw yourself an Empress Age party?

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Even Apple and Steve Jobs would throw you a dazzling launch event. So why not throw yourself an Empress Age party?

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Mine was a completely chaotic Bridgerton-style bacchanal thanks to a girlfriend who happened to be a costume designer for the movies. And while it was a bit silly and over the top, the night itself actually meant a great deal to me in the end. I only wish I'd been a little more organized in the approach. Here's what I wish I’d considered going in...

You have some decisions to make. First off: Is the event themed? You could go all-out vaginal — think Pussy Galore with gag gifts. Or you could embrace the tropics. It’s going to be a sweaty few years after all. Perhaps this night is meant to convene a new coven and be super witchy? This is where you get to have loads of fun from the décor to the food to the activities. It’s all your show...

But before we get too far ahead of ourselves, let’s talk invites. Is it a secret society, with old-school Dempsey & Carroll embossed invites secretly slipped into the next book club selection and personally handed to every invitee? We ADORE their new collab with Old Soul Etiquette.

But if that’s not your jam, maybe it's a highly produced video released on all your socials, declaring your rite of passage like a coronation announcement. You could keep it simple and send a group text too.

Now let’s talk dress code. Maybe you suggest costumes? Or do you keep it Succession-esque — simple, with Goop-approved quiet wealth? Perhaps you go for more Bridgerton-style maximalism. Another option is to make it easy on guests by offering a well-stocked basket of fancy hats and wigs they can select from as they come in the door. Or do you challenge your besties to test their creative mettle and devise their own getups? It’s up to you!

We can’t forget the music to set the mood. Or are there multiple moods and phases of the night mimicking the roller coaster and swings of emotion of menopause? Have a friend program the playlist.

The food could go two ways: clean eating where you set out on a new wellness adventure menu or a last hurrah of delicacies that you probably won't have for a while because you’re now switching to clean eating. Could there be a blind taste test between the newest no-alcohol adaptogen cocktails and the real hooch? You don’t want the very likely chance that being perimenopausal, everyone drinking vino will doze off by 9:30 PM only to wake up feeling horrendous at 3:00 AM as our hormonally fluctuating bodies tend to do right around this age. French Bloom makes some fabulous alcohol-free bubbly and sparkling rose from Maison Taittinger that will prevent all the above scenarios and taste just like the real thing.

Next, is an initiation ceremony. Set an intention for the evening, write it down, and throw it into a fire. It is now forever committed to the universe.

Then, write an oath together to uphold each other throughout the journey of perimenopause. Then, put it into a calligraphy template in Canva and print it out for everyone to take home. Imagine it framed in your office as a declaration of where you're at, where you're going, and that you're always empowered by it.

Hold a power voice session where you have a coach in to learn to master your midlife power voice. This is something that can be incredibly life-changing for women who grapple with the issue of either being overly assertive or who they feel like they're always nagging. Coaches like Alicia Dara do them onsite and virtually for female CEOs and major film & TV stars. It can be incredibly cathartic.

A perimenopause tarot reading or a goddess workshop could also be another activity—whether you have a reader join live or virtually, or you do it yourselves.

If you’re more the Mrs. Maisel type of crowd, you could have a roast of all of the men or various partners in your lives or men in general.

In terms of documenting things, you definitely want artifacts from this night, but is it "no phones allowed" to keep things distraction-free? Is it old school film you adore? Or is it video? Do you secretly love Polaroid cameras? Maybe documentary footage is more your thing. The point is to give yourself something to look back on, spark joy, and laugh, so it's important to assign someone the job of documenting, or often it just doesn't happen.

And let’s not forget swag bags. (Why should elementary-school-age kids be the only ones to get party favors?) You’re about to be tampon-free for the rest of your life. (You’re welcome, Earth!) So whatever swag you send home with people should be funny and fun—a sample of Blossom female topical Viagra because lady boners really do matter more than ever now! But also something meaningful, and, most of all, sustainable would seem key. Maybe a digital swag bag with your official playlist, the oath you wrote together, a mockumentary of the night, and an e-gift card for some Lusomé PJs. They self-dry from night sweats in less than 10 seconds so you can go right back to sleep! What more could a crowd of hot and sweaty, low-libido perimenopausal women ask for? (Besides HRT, lol.)

Have the best night ever! And let us know how it goes. We want pictures!

Ok, that’s the skinny for this week. Enjoy and stay tuned as we have a very hilarious tale coming up on the major indignities of menopause. You’re going to want to pay close attention to this one.

Yours in Grandeur,

p.s. If you are so inclined, follow us on IG for flash content & upcoming giveaways. We’re at https://www.instagram.com/the.empress.age/ and we’d love to see you there!

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