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A Magical Midlife Dispatch From an Ultra Swank Beat-the-Bloat Class ✨

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Exploring what it means to be a woman aging in the world while obsessively curating a less hellish peri/menopause... Between the mother & crone phases, there's a great deal of power in the messy middleβ€”a dynamism that's highly generative and creative.
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A Magical Midlife Dispatch From an Ultra Swank Beat-the-Bloat Class ✨

Faulkner, this ain't... but yoga, as we knew it, will never be the same! πŸ˜‚

Alisa Kennedy Jones
Nov 11, 2023
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A Magical Midlife Dispatch From an Ultra Swank Beat-the-Bloat Class ✨

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This week's newsletter is brought to you by our friends at XOjacqui - Power To The Pause! Protein + Supplements For Women At All Stages of Menopause.

To keep working, we depend on the financial support of our readers and sponsors. We know your resources are precious too. And so, we are ridiculously grateful to you for your help. From now until the end of the year, we are offering 30% off all subscription plans for up to one year. Now, more than ever, we could use your support.

Get 30% off for 1 year


Fellow Empresses, How the hell are you?

This week has been a tough one, so we’re bringing you a bit of satire, coupled with a dash of mindfulness, imagination, and love for a few of our favorite things.

A recent dispatch from a magical, mystical menopausal beat-the-bloat class…

New York City. We open on a crowded room of 40 or so midlife Manhattan women, the odd celebrity sprinkled among us.Β AllΒ are desperately trying to hold their farts in while pretending it is simply one giant Kegel. It takes every ounce, every brain-fogged neuron of concentration, but we’re doing our utmost…

I am there with my girlfriend, who shall remain nameless forever andΒ ever, but she knows who she is. WeΒ allΒ know who she is because we have all regrettably been there before. We have all beenΒ herΒ at one moment or another in life. Because, yes, right in the middle of our pristine, griege-toned, slightly spendy, but still strangely spiritually addictive yoga studio, in a class dedicated toΒ Beating the Bloat of Perimenopause and BeyondΒ (because excess gas is what isΒ trulyΒ blocking your abundance chakra.) Right as our wraith of an instructor, who seems to glow like a white witch of the highest order (probably because she is), is speaking in a hushed tone:

β€œLess projection, more presence. Close your eyes. Gaze inside. Summon yourself to the deepest depths of your interior andΒ intuitΒ how your body feels as it takes in oxygen and releases carbon dioxide cyclically without thought. Be with your breath and experience the sensation of your aliveness..."

Suddenly, things become a little tooΒ aliveΒ and interior, and my girlfriend lets the biggest one ripΒ ever. It is aΒ fartΒ so long and loudβ€”just like an extended trumpet solo from the Newport Jazz Festival.

The instructor pauses.

My friend looks around, mortifiedβ€”her eyes the size of saucers. But how on earth do you recover? How do you ever come back toΒ the classΒ with a straight face?

The answer isΒ you don’t.

The entire group busts up laughing, collapsing in their poses, and our instructor breaks her pose, covers her face, and starts laughing like Bill Hader in the Stefan sketch from SNL.

Live footage of our instructor! Gaaaaaaagh!!!

We roll on our mats as she turns and pulls a packet from the cupboard and says, β€œOK, I sh*t you not. This happens almost every time I teach this class. I want to say in 7 out of 10 of my classes, this happens and so I present to you,” as she walks up to my friend who is laughing so hard she is now in tears, "THIS special prize, my dear,” and hands her a packet ofΒ De-Puff by XOjacqui - Power to the Pause.

And I lean over to take a gander. It is an anti-bloat smoothie boost powder, and I’m like, β€œOoh, I want that!” 

And then suddenly, everyone was like, β€œHey, can I fart for a prize too?” and β€œDo you mind if I toot for loot?” and β€œShould we light a candle, or will we explode the room?” Which prompted, β€œOh my God, you are such an eight-year-old boy!” and the retort, β€œNo, I’m actually a chemist.” Which prompted an awestruck β€œReally? That’s so badass!”

Followed by a chorus of Could we all have one? To which our instructor replied, yes, she had a case of samples and that we could all have one if we promised to try it before the next class.

With a unique blend of ACV, kelp, and cucumber, De-Puff is 100% organic, and vegan, with no added sugars, gluten, soy, nuts, or drama.

In a recent study published by Nature Metabolism inΒ Harvard Health, scientists observed that older adults whose mix of gut microbes changed the most over time lived longer than those with less change in their gut microbiome. All this suggests we need to further explore how to support continually diversifying our gut microbiomes over a whole lifetime. De-Puff could be just one chapter in the life story of your gut.

There you have it. True confessions from the de-bloat meno yoga crewβ€”live and unfilteredβ€”but with a solution beyond twisting yourself into a pretzel and meditating your farts away. I went home and added it to my usual chocolate protein concoction, and I want to say, for once, that I was a person instead of a walking whoopie cushion. It was like: oh hey, my gut feels 34 again! How the hell did that happen??? Can it stay that way?

Another added benefit, if you have teenagers around the house, is a marked reduction of outright mockery. One of the worst symptoms of peri/menopause is that, overnight, you become Queen of all Fartlandiaβ€”Liz Lemon-style. They might as well give you a crown.

So, before your teenage daughter can dream upΒ everyΒ possible scatological honorific to relay on TikTokβ€”everything from the Baroness of Bloat to the Fairy of Flatulence to the Princess of Pooting to the Noxious Noble to the topper: Her RoyalΒ Heinous.Β You can nip these indignities in the bud with a little boost from De-Puff. It will not actuallyΒ stopΒ the mockery, but it will make it a little less true.

Yours in Grandeur & Deep Sh*t,

p.s. Even though this was a comedy piece, I can’t recommend The Class enough… I love that even the videos completely kick my *ss every single time and that there are so many variations of workouts. You can access a 14-day free trial here.


THE EMPRESS is a reader-supported community. To receive exclusive bonus posts, join in VIP events, and support our policy work, please consider becoming a paid subscriber.

p.p.s. If you are so inclined, follow us on IG for flash content & upcoming giveaways. We’re at https://www.instagram.com/the.empress.age/ and we’d love to see you there!


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A Magical Midlife Dispatch From an Ultra Swank Beat-the-Bloat Class ✨

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A Magical Midlife Dispatch From an Ultra Swank Beat-the-Bloat Class ✨

alisakennedyjones.substack.com
Good Humor by CK Steefel
Writes Good Humor
Nov 12Liked by Alisa Kennedy Jones

I want that t-shirt. Haha. I will have to listen to this podcast. Maybe while I’m cooking dinner. Haha.

Please tell my mother what you just said about the gut biome being individual. She thinks I don’t eat because of my intolerances. I eat! A ton! Sigh.

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Good Humor by CK Steefel
Writes Good Humor
Nov 12Liked by Alisa Kennedy Jones

Hilarious! I was always nervous about queefing in class. I actually don’t fart much anymore since I went GF. When hubby farts I call it a gluten fart. Seems like they happen after a sandwich or with a big load of some yummy baguette or croissant.

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